ponderings and learning

Last weekend I (and Maddy) went to a Women of Purpose retreat/conference. I So needed the getaway and the time with other ladies. It was fun, relaxing, and really refreshing. What is was, was a team of ladies that run the Women of Purpose conferences in the States – and they came here to love and encourage missionary women – they thought of it all – they had free manicures and pedicures, free hairt cuts, we made jewelery, they have a free book table, and lots of good chocolate and fruit sitting around. Friday we were at the conference all day long – speakers and great worship. There were a couple things that really hit home during that weekend.

• God doesn't have higher expectations of me just because I'm a missionary. I'm supposed to love Jesus and love people – whether I'm a missionary or not.

• Jesus understands how I feel when I want to give up – when it's all just too hard. When we feel like we're going one step forward two steps back in ministry, when Sigel has had a horrible week of angry outbursts, when Tristan and I haven't gone on a date in weeks, when Maddy has kept us up all night, when a ministry kid isn't doing well....etc. Etc. When Jesus came to earth he was excited – expecting the best and all ready to do what he was supposed to do on earth – ultimately die on the cross as the penalty for who we are (unworthy to go to heaven) so that relationship with God can be reestablished. Then what happened in the garden the night before the crucifixion? He cried out to God all night – in anguish – pleading and begging to be allowed to quit and for God to come up with a plan B. (how I feel sometimes!) So – for me – I need to be more like Jesus in that when I want to quit and don't have the energy to go on (I'm not in any way relating my petty daily problems to what Jesus was trying to deal with – death by crucifixion.) - I need to go spend time with God (maybe in my garden) – alone and plead with him to help me through it. Instead I try to do it on my own or decide that I need sleep or chocolate or a movie instead of leaving all that and seeking my strength from my heavenly Father who wants to give me the strength. Jesus also asked his friends to pray with/for him – he was vulnerable and open to his friends – not hiding his agony like we like to do. This really rang true with me – when I think life is too hard – stop turning to superficial things and turn to the ultimate strength!

• One more thing I realized this weekend – is that it's emotional draining to be a missionary :). ha ha – you'd think I'd know that 3 years into being one. If you've ever been to a 3^rd world country – or seen somewhere desperately poor – where people don't have the things you take for granted – water, toilet, drinking water, three meals a day, more than a one room hut, a vehicle, etc, - do you remember the feeling when you saw that for the first time? When you were a kid and realized people begged on the streets and slept under bridges? I remember very well my first trip to downtown San Francisco. When I'd go to Mexico on missions trip I remember that feeling so well – despair for them and guilt for my nice life and hopelessness in not knowing how to fix it in the end. But within a few weeks after your trip you look back with fond memories and can move past the panic of seeing that kind of poor until your next trip. We as missionaries never get to move past that – we don't get to go home and forget about it -because we are home. We do see it everyday. I don't think this realization changes anything for me accept that it gives me permission to need to process life a lot, to understand when I'm emotionally spent after visiting Sigel's birth family or speaking with 3 sisters from the feeding program that wouldn't have eaten that day except for that we brought food to their school that day.

Not really an 'upper' in terms of blogging but these are my thoughts, this is what I'm going through.